Chapbook: More Than What You See- Wheel

I am not meant to drive
because the days when the mud
in my mind has solidified
the wheels in my head
slow so much
I can stop in mid thought and movement.

Could mean that too many
signals have overwhelmed my system.
My brain stops in an intersection
and there would be nothing I can do
to stop you from
if that’s what it comes to.

Five days of Driver’s Training:
the first,
I was terrified
when a cop pulled in
the parking lot as I was turning.
I worried that he would pull me over,
ask for my permit.
see the picture on my driver’s license
and arrest me because I looked drunk in it;
pretty stupid now that I look back at it.
But I was driving pretty bad.
The car started going one way then the other
weaving through a parking lot
at the movie theater
I lost all sense of direction.
She was saying something to me but I couldn’t hear
and then I did, “Stop!” she said over and over
but I couldn’t get my body to do what I needed.
When I was able to stop I started to cry.
I wasn’t ready for this.
I never liked the idea of driving.
I never had the urge to drive
like so many of my friends.
I didn’t want to do it
and I was too freaked out to continue
so I went home early.
I tried the next week
things went better for a while
until the fifth day.

I cried in the end
after my brain stalled again
while turning into a side street.
I had to move my right foot
from the brake onto the gas
and couldn’t.
Everything in my brain stopped.
It hit a wall of thick mud.
and I realized, it felt the same
doesn’t matter how long
I have known the word,
or how long I walked
or talked.
No matter what I do
my brain will always stall
with a word and now even a car.
No clear understanding
as to why.

There is nothing I can do
it’s better to stay
away from the wheel
for it’s not that simple.


Get my Chapbook by clicking in this link


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